How to Find Closure When Covid Keeps Us Apart
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By Sheana Ochoa
When we decided to leave the United States after the 2016 election results, I wasn’t thinking it was the last time I would see my parents. Still, there was something nagging at me as we sold our cars and furniture and shipped our keepsakes and books to France. Even though I expected to see my parents again, and even though I knew if they fell ill, I could fly home, I felt a need to have the conversation — the one most of us don’t have until someone we love is dying.
As the deaths of Covid-19 mount with people expiring alone in their homes or in quarantine in the hospital, an unprecedented kind of loss is reverberating across the globe. We are being deprived of those end-of-life conversations that impact the way in which we experience death. We are not able to say the things we need to say — the things I was fortunate enough to tell my parents before I left my home country.
Since the time I moved to France over three years ago, I haven’t had the opportunity to see my father again. He is alive, but he had a risky surgery involving his carotid artery and he has a hard time hearing me when I call. My mother has entered an assisted living facility for Alzheimer’s patients; today, she can no longer process a heart-to-heart conversation. I’m grateful I listened to my gut before l left because although it will undoubtedly be rough when they pass, I’ve said the things that needed to be said between us. I was able to create an abiding sense of peace and closure even while they are still alive.
What did I say to each of them? That is the purpose of this love letter to those facing death from Covid-19 while being apart from your loved ones.
When in doubt, I go to ancient wisdom which is what I did prior to leaving for France. It led me to the Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation called Hoʻoponopono. Its literal translation in English is “to make right.” Hoʻoponopono is traditionally practiced on one’s own to help heal from ruptured or lost relations. This is one reason it is so powerful — you don’t have to be with the person you’re making things right with, in order to benefit. You can also do it after they have passed on. I used it as a guide to help me with the sit-downs I had with my parents.
Here are the four simple parts of Hoʻoponopono:
One: Repentance — Saying “I’m sorry” is an act of love and humility that cleans the relationship being addressed. Whatever you need to apologize for, saying sorry doesn’t wipe away the transgressions, but the acknowledgment of hurtful past behavior is a way of honoring both yourself and the person(s) involved. Some people may have several apologies to make, while others might simply want to tell their loved one that they’re sorry for what they’re going through. You might say, “I’m sorry you are having to meet death on your own. I would be there with you if I could.” If there is something specific you want to apologize for such as harmful past behavior, I suggest running it by someone you trust first. The rule of thumb is to not apologize for something that could harm the other person, such as revealing a past action the person does not even know about.
Two: Forgiveness — This step is tricky because it suggests that we ask for forgiveness, but after making dozens of amends in my life, I have found more freedom by forgiving others than by asking for forgiveness. For the purposes of saying goodbye to someone dying of Covid, it is obviously more compassionate to offer forgiveness than to ask for forgiveness. Ultimately, the goal in either case is that you find self-forgiveness. Ho’oponopono isn’t so much a practice or tool that benefits the person who is dying — although that is the byproduct — but a way to comfort the survivor, we who are left behind without our beloved in our life. Saying “I forgive you,” was the most difficult part of my conversations with my parents. They both knew they had emotionally neglected me as a child even though we had repaired our relations as adults to a certain degree. Still, telling them “I forgive you” was one of the most loving things I could have done for them and myself. Again, you would not want to bring up an emotionally-charged subject to someone fighting Covid-19, but if the past is out in the open and you know your loved one feels guilty for harming you, offering forgiveness will unburden them. It does not have to be specific. You might say, “I want you to know I forgive you for past harms.”
Three: Gratitude — Countless studies have been done on the emotional, psychological and physical benefits of gratitude, which is why gratitude lists and “having an attitude of gratitude” is so prevalent in popular culture. Telling your loved one “thank you,” is probably the easiest, and yet most powerful part of the Hoʻoponopono practice. A sincere offering of thanks for who that person has been to you and what they have meant in your life is the simplest way of honoring your loved one.
Four: Love — The most obvious words that are often left unsaid are “I love you.” Love is such a powerful force, it transcends time and space. We can feel it for another as much when they’re with us as when we’re apart. In fact, the feeling of love is often stronger when we’re apart. Love lives on after death. Affirming that love aloud or in a letter is an opportunity you don’t want to miss. Words have power. Saying them makes them sacred.
As social beings, we are designed to gather and comfort the dying. Confronted with death, we soften, casting off the armor of old hurts and grudges that separate us from the people we are losing. We take what is our last opportunity to say goodbye. Afterward, we gather again to mourn and bury those dear to us. In the time of Covid, these emotional and spiritual needs are not being met by those who are dying or by those left behind. Under “normal” circumstances, we would be able to see and touch our loved ones who fall ill and die, but these are unprecedented times. For now, we have to rely on technology to say our piece. Whether by screen, phone or a letter you give to your loved one’s nurse or doctor, the practice of Hoʻoponopono offers a way toward peace and closure we might otherwise be denied.
Hoʻoponopono has been traditionally said aloud as a mantra for spiritual and mental clearing. In this way, it can be used by all of us feeling the collective grief for the suffering brought on by this pandemic. It goes without saying, you don’t have to wait until those close to you are dying to tell them you’re sorry, I forgive you, thank you and I love you. If there was ever a time to have that conversation, it is now.
